Friday, February 29, 2008

smiling to myself

When the weather is finally warm enough for Jose, the building manager, to start hosing off the sidewalk in front of the office, but the winter has been so long that the West Side morning bike messenger forgets to look out for the hose as he crosses 4th West; so he lays some rubber on the rubber, causing Jose to jerk around and dowse both Ronnie, the Jade market clerk's, perfectly coiffed Mohawk AND his sketchy cigarette in frigid water.

And it's like I'm on the 8th row of the Shamu show at Sea World--close enough to enjoy the spectacle without getting wet...

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

To [Intrepid] On Our Six-Month Anniversary

The days we’ve shared, like autumn leaves
All brightly-hued, have drifted by;
And Mother Time, who softly weaves
Enchantment, breathes a gentle sigh.

Half a year of memories – each leaf a different one:
Now, in the midst of wind and snow,
We dream nostalgically of summer sun,
The trees, the water – yes, we know;

Bridge with friends, a game of chess,
Mountain climbing, or country ride –
(Events one would enjoy far less,
Without the other by his side.)

But look! There are new buds ahead
Which promise to unfold
As toward fulfillment we are led
Of all the dreams we hold.

-Mary T. Hoffman

Yes, it's true. Today is my six-month anniversary of "real life."

I celebrated with a Happy Meal and some new office supplies.

Go ahead, judge me.

Friday, February 15, 2008

I have no words. That's ever happened to me before...

...Okay, so yes it has. Once or twice.

I have no voice. None. It's gone on vacation.

If I summon up enough gumption, two or three syllables claw their way up my throat. Ouch.

Of course, this is SOOO funny. especially given the fact that I subconsciously answer the phone at work if it rings more than once.

But don't worry. My friendly coworkers have been expressing their sympathies all morning.

It's not even noon and this is what I've gotten (through email of course. because if I'm mute, I must be deaf also, right?:

  • Some people are considered fools.
    Some people speak and remove all doubt.
  • "What flavors of ice cream do you have?" inquired the customer.
    "Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper.
    Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have laryngitis?"
    "No...." replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm.... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."
  • Doug goes to see his physician and says, "Doc, my wife recently lost her voice, what should I do to help her get it back?" The doctor says, "Just try coming home at three in the morning."
  • Q. What do you call a veterinarian with laryngitis?
    A. A hoarse doctor.
    Q: How did the pig who couldn't speak feel?
    A: Dis-gruntled.
    Q: What would you call Sir Lancelot if he lost his voice?
    A. Silent Night
  • 1: I think I'm feeling a little hoarse
    2: maybe you're getting a colt.
    3: I think I'll try some cough stirrup
  • A friend of mine joined a Trappist Monastery, where monks are not allowed to speak. They are allowed to say three words every five years.
    At the end of the first five years my friend stood up and said, “Need new shoes”
    At the end of the second five years he stood up and said, “Need new mattress”
    After fifteen years had passed he stood up and said, “I am quitting!”
    The Abbot said, “It’s probably for the best. You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”
  • You can see all this, at the Mounted Animal Nature Trail:
    Where the dog goes:
    And the bear goes:
    And Meagan goes:
    (and so on)
I just have to keep writing to myself "I love my job... I love my job..."


Wednesday, February 13, 2008

thursday's child has far to go

In honor of the season, I'm posting my most recent to-do list...

10 funny flirting facts
By Laura Schaefer

So you’ve mastered the eye-contact game and can beckon a cute prospect with a few coy glances… but do you really know all there is to know about the fine art of come-hither? Just to make sure you’re up to speed, we culled some very surprising info that you can use to your advantage. Read on for some juicy tidbits that may up your cute quotient in no time.

1. Flirting is good for you. Studies show that people who flirt have higher white blood-cell counts, which boost their immunity and keep them healthy.

2. Think it ends at a little eye batting? Hardly—all told, scientists say there are 52 “flirting signals” used by humans. Of these, the hair flip is the most common.

3. In some places, flirting is illegal. In Little Rock, AR, an antiquated law is still on the books warning that engaging in playful banter may result in a 30-day jail term. In New York City, another outdated law mandates that men may be fined $25 for gazing lasciviously at a female; a second conviction stipulates the offender wear a pair of blinders whenever he goes out for a walk.

4. Why wait for Happy Hour? Lots of people get their flirt on during their morning commute. A full 62 percent of drivers have flirted with someone in a different vehicle while on the go, and 31 percent of those flirtations, it turns out, resulted in a date.

5. Flirting need not occur face to face. According to Pew Research, 40 percent of people who look for love online say they can easily flirt with someone via email or IM.

6. In the Victorian era, fans were the ultimate playful prop that could communicate all sorts of messages. A fan placed near the heart meant, You have won my love. A half-opened fan pressed to the lips suggested, You may kiss me. Hiding the eyes behind an open fan meant, I love you, while opening and closing the fan several times warned, You are cruel. Given how much a fan could come in handy, it’s a shame they ever invented air conditioning.

7. These days, cell phones do the flirting. In one survey, half of all mobile phone users have texted suggestive messages to keep things interesting while away from their amour.

8. Watch out, you can overdo it. According to the Social Issues Research Centre, the most common mistake people make when flirting is maintaining too much eye contact.

9. Sometimes, flirty gestures aren’t what they seem. Research has shown that men tend to routinely mistake friendly behavior for flirting.

10. Flirting is universal. A woman living in New York City and one in rural Cambodia may not have much in common, but when it comes to attracting a little attention, they both employ the very same move: smiling, arching their eyebrows, then averting their gaze and giggling. Animals flirt, too: Birds, reptiles, and even fish have their own way of strutting their stuff. Moral of the story: If the simple sea bass can act cute to enhance a romantic agenda, you can, too—so give it a go!

I'll be darned if a simple sea bass out-agendas me in romance or any other non-sketchy, non-fishy area...

Thursday, February 07, 2008

these little wonders...

I've recently discovered that facebook poking produces just as many endorphins as actual tickling. The more I poke, the more I smile. The more I'm poked, the more I smile.

And there's negative percent chance of me wetting my pants.

In the debate of technological communicatons vs. face-to-face interactions:

your face-0