Thursday, May 26, 2005

Obsessions and Illuminations

Once upon a time I really, REALLY love the show Gilmore Girls. I aspire to the wit that is so easily displayed by the Loreleii (hee, hee, hee) and although I know it is completely scripted and staged, my hat goes off to the writers that actually think up that stuff.

So anyway, my sister got me the third season on DVD for my birthday and I have been watching it while I try to reassemble my room and there was an episode yesterday where Kirk (one of the eccentric townspeople) starts a new business where each day he prints a humorous quote he heard in his meanderings the day before on a T-shirt. Granted his endeavor fails miserably because his grand opening slogan was "Babette ate oatmeal today" (ha, ha, ha....?) but I think the concept is brilliant.

It's like a combination quote board and friend-finder. It lets everyone see something funny you heard, and then you can know that the people who get it are much the same as you!

So, based on my experiences yesterday, my hypothetical billboard T-shirt today says:

"I'm standing here in pieces and you're having delusions of grandeur!"

Get it?

Saturday, May 21, 2005

My New Pet Project

So today we had a bit of a family shindig in American Fork. The theme was Napoleon Dynamite, but that is a story for another time and place. I only bring it up to set the stage for the awesome epiphany I had.

So I was sitting under a tree blissfully munching on reconstituted school lunch items (corndog, tots, freakin' quesadillas, etc.) When what to my wondering eyes should appear to beg me for some potato goodness? No, it wasn't Missy; she was grounded to the back yard. It was a goat. Yes, a GOAT!

Now my cousins live on a bit of a farmish, so it wasn't all that unusual, but these goats aren't just any old cow or alpaca (sorry Maria, but the DO have them. One's brown and one's white and they are named Merry and Pippin because of their hairy feet and fondness for second-breakfast), no these goats are the family pets!

My aunt said they're great to have around because:

1. They don't stink
2. They mow your lawn and they LIKE it
3. Natural paper shredder
4. They love to cuddle
5. They are excellent guardians (it's because their pupils are rectangular so they can see more than 180 degrees and spot any dangerous alpacas (sorry Maria)
6. They're goats! What else to you need to know?


Friday, May 13, 2005

A Story For Annie...

Once upon a time there was this girl who shall remain nameless-- this may sound like I’m making her up, but this is untrue. She is, in fact, a real person whose experience I heard from a reliable source.

Anyway, this girl got these really bad headaches all the time, and soon they spread to her neck and back like so many unwanted dandelions. The pain got so bad that this girl went to a doctor where they did all these crazy tests and couldn’t find anything wrong. So the good doctor, who, in complete tactfulness and delicacy, blandly suggested it might be stemming from a brain tumor.

Idiot. The girl, her parents and everyone else involved freaked out of course, so they quickly ran more tests. And what do you think the root of the problem was? Not cancer, luckily, but STRESS, the eventual killer of us all!!

This poor girl got so worked up over homework and schoolwork and housework that she was stressing herself to death!

So this genius of a doctor prescribed a treatment that could only come from a brain that worked in such a way as his. Now, every time this girl sits at the computer or reads a book, she first attaches little suction-cup probes to her forehead, neck, and spine. These probes attach to wires. The wires attach to this box. The box attaches to a plug that goes INTO THE WALL, and any time her muscles tense beyond a certain, previously-determined level of tautness, she gets a nice little shock!

Electrocution: the ultimate relaxation device.

Makes cold cans sound pretty good…

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Top Ten Reasons Why There Isn't Supposed To Be SNOW On My Front Lawn:

10. Because we live in a desert.
9. Because snow was SO last season.
8. Because we're already at half the average rainfall for this month and I'm positive that number is TOTALLY skewed by the whole Noah's Ark incident.
7. Because I did my hair today.
6. Because I couldn't find my window scraper this morning.
5. Because I'm sure I'm developing Rickets.
4. Because we just planted my mom flowers for Mother's Day.
3. Because I left my window open last night.
2. Because Vanessa Williams says JUNE not MAY.
1. Because I just bought LOTS and LOTS of cute new new flip-flops that are getting VERY lonely.

Friday, May 06, 2005

Take me out to the Ballgame...


Sunday, May 01, 2005


The word-of-the-day today was "palindrome."

We are such trendsetters!