Monday, June 20, 2005

i have a confession...

I think I have misled a few people about the real reason I am hoping to go to London for Study Abroad.

Sure, the classes will be interesting, the ambiance is fabulous, and the chocolate is to die for, but that all comes in second to England's best attraction: the tube drivers.

Yes, the men and women famous for the droning repetitions of "Mind the Gap" and "Next stop: Piccadilly Circus" are the driving force behind my attempts to become a temporary expatriate.

Why, you ask? Well I'll tell you. If you spend enough time in the underground, the dank recesses and harried crowds of public transportationists can get to you, and you are forced to break the Beefeater-like facade of disinterested contempt and show some personality.

For example:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction".

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'".

"We are now traveling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.""To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause...) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there."

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."


Holy funny Brits Batman!

10 comments:

Erika said...

That's hilarious. In New York you have no clue what the subway driver is saying. It's like:
"SOipuasg oiuet; goiwlasgoiubkjla osiuwqmksl aoiutl *##@)(%n atoiuelwkt standclearofthedoors."
Hee hee.

Jon said...

I think you would do well as one of those, Meagan.

In Finland, they usually don't say anything, and when they do they use the most mechanical, impersonal grammatical constructions possible. Lots of passives and reflexive verbs, etc.

Jon said...

But there was one time when I was in a train, and the train hit a moose. The driver said (in an impersonal way, of course) what had happened, and someone a couple of rows behind said really loud, "Everyone pray that the moose will go to heaven!"

Meagan said...

I'm not sure how to take that Jon, except I think I would be fired for disruptive behavior on the job. Imagine all the damage you could do with a loudspeaker and a British accent (with or without a moose)...

Jon said...

No, I just think your sense of humor is capable of generating witty comments like that.

Adriane said...

Lol...as Meagan knows, I aspire to be the voice on the Trax train that tells you the stops, or the lady on the telephone, "The Line Is Busy..." Yeah. I would be soooooooooo famous then.

buhler said...

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Jon said...

Hey Meagan, I saw your crush last night.

Jena said...

Ooooooo! Who who who?!

Meagan said...

This one time I think I shouldn't tell people my secrets.